The Straight Man’s Guide to Just Dealing With It

Beyonce said it best.

Women run the world. And we, straight men, just have to deal with it.

…Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

But seriously.

In a world where women are “reclaiming” their sexuality, empowering themselves, finding space to feel seen and heard, they’ve essentially dominated the social scene with little room for anyone else to vie for market share…specifically straight men.

Now, in no way am I suggesting this is a bad thing, per se. I truly believe that women, among other people, deserve a space to feel seen, to be heard, to feel sexy and confident, and a place that can build their overall self-esteem. Every human deserves that.

However, social media in particular is exclusive to women…and ads. Women can easily get their rocks off from IG posts/stories, TikTok videos, tweets, dating apps, and even OnlyFans without needing to do anything more than be women in all their glory.

It seems women are taking advantage of what they’ve had the power to do for the past several decades: promote their physical prowess.

“Well Carl, what are they doing that’s so bad? Shouldn’t they be able to do what they want?”

Yes. Absolutely.

Everyone loves women. Everyone. (And rightfully so. The female physique is amazing!) Gay men, straight men, gay women, straight women. Everyone loves the body of women — except the woman that body belongs to. And because women are not immune to being their own worst enemies, there’s a remedy for that.

If women are…

• Feeling down? Post a sexy pic. Get some comments and some likes.
• Not feeling confident? Post an Instagram boomerang in a two-piece. Dance around in your underwear for a bit and post it. Show the world can’t nothing hold you down!
• Seeing results in the gym from doing that epic Booty Guide 4.0 specifically to get a nicer ass? Share some stories in leggings or lingerie and make the caption about something completely unrelated to the image. (If you don’t post about it, did it really even happen??)
• Feeling bored? Jump back on Bumble or Hinge and get a high from matching with gullible dudes! 😀

As trivial and superficial as all of these options can be, they all undoubtedly lead to a boost in self-esteem, confidence, and even a little dopamine hit.

Because of social media, women now have the ability to be whatever they want and feel however they want about themselves with no strings attached. Women don’t need to be signed with Ford or Wilhelmina to be a legit model anymore.

Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s just interesting that it all encompasses the promotion and involvement of women’s bodies and their physical attributes, especially given that the argument has been against the objectification of women’s bodies.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok Carl, now you’re telling women what they can and can’t do with their bodies?! Off with your head!”

Now hear me out. This is all fine and well and in some ways even healthy. We know that these actions contribute to a positive self-image which is important for anyone.

But all of this leads me to the question: where do men go for this same “hit”? Where can men go to get the same social validation and public affirmation that, inevitably, leads to confidence and positive self-esteem? What space can we inhabit that the world will see and affirm us as “good” and beautiful and attractive and desirable, a space that women have that is as easily and socially acceptable?

It’s a human craving to be seen and affirmed as attractive and exceptional. This isn’t a new thing nor is it exclusive to women.

But bad news, gents. There is no such space. There is No Country For Us Men. And as much as society would like to think that we dominate spaces already, whatever that space is, we really don’t.

The male body is attractive, sure. But it ain’t appreciated in the same way as women.

We can’t go on TikTok and post twerk videos and achieve the same results.

(I should point out, apparently young straight men are doing this on TikTok, which is perhaps a result of the lack of other means of getting (healthy?) attention. This presumption is highly debatable but it's probably a safe bet to say the actions of these young men are at least, in part, motivated by what captivates the average TikTok audience. I digress.)

We can’t post ass pics in leggings after a couple of months of squats and deadlifts and build a mass following on Insta. I mean, maybe? But it certainly won’t be on the same level as women.

We certainly can’t create an OnlyFans account and generate several thousand dollars a month from followers and subscribers in lieu of other forms of traditional income just by…well, being men. Women can.

So — deal with it.

What are you saying?

Straight men are played out. Obsolete. Finito. Our playbook is outdated. Our “offensive scheme” is old news.

Think about it.

What exactly do we have to offer women anymore? What can we, as straight men in America, offer a woman that is that impressive or attractive? Our looks are subjective and certainly not enough to keep a woman around. Women are financially way more independent now so our money is ‘meh’. And it seems they have themselves and their girlfriend circle/social scene to make them happy and content — more or less.

Women can get a thrill out of going out and being hot and sexy and presenting themselves to the world as “look! — but no touching.” It was only a few years ago via a best friend’s revelation that women can actually get off more by simply being wanted. And when it comes to sexual satisfaction they can easily pull a guy off the bench for that.

Admittedly, that last part isn’t quite that simple. Yes, women can probably get sex much, much easier than us but there’s no guarantee it will be more than mildly satisfying at best.

But my point is this: whatever it is that makes us attractive in this day in age has always been what made us attractive — but it has also been arbitrary.

It’s understood that women want “good guys,” respectful men, strong-willed, ambitious, guys that are good with kids, and skilled in the bedroom, etc. That has more or less been the predominant list of desirable traits in men with the exception of a few others. So how do men quantify this? How do we put this formula into pill form to present to prospective suitors? How can we present these supposedly attractive traits to the masses and receive validation for being a hot guy? What’s more, who’s to say which women will want these traits from what guy?

With dating apps becoming a mainstay in society and how we meet and date, how can we implement these traits into our offensive scheme and into our dating profile that will ensure we’re able to “gain yards” with a woman we desire? And what’s more, how are we to differentiate between the women that are on the app for nothing more than a small thrill of matching with a guy and those that are actually interested in seeing where something goes?

We’ve established that women needn’t do much to get our attention or to gain our admiration by means of technology. They have a formula on how to be “swipe-able”. Women have been able to be exactly what men want. They’ve been able to achieve whatever look or fit whatever category most men desire, even if superficially. Their attractiveness is pretty clear. But can we somehow encapsulate our most attractive traits to present to the world? No. Not exactly. And certainly not in any way that guarantees anything.

So again…we deal with it. We deal with the fact that women can devour the social scene and indulge in all the fruits of living their best life without ever needing to do anything more than being a woman. We can not.

How to deal

Men have been lied to. Women have been lied to. We’ve all been lied to. Men have been lied to about meeting certain criteria that will have women turning their heads and fighting over us. Falso, gentlemen. We find out that women don’t owe us anything because we meet the basic requirements of human decency. Women don’t owe us anything for “not being like the other guys”. We’re not rewarded for being ambitious, kind, gentle, funny, and everything else the masses say are desirable qualities in men.

We’ve all been here more often than not: We match with a woman on an app. We start talking, eventually set something up. We go out, all is right in the world. Said woman loses interest in us or she decides she doesn’t want to date us anymore. We feel confused, rejected, leading us to question everything. So we may revert back to some boyhood position of pouting and even leading us to reach out to the woman and inquire if there’s anything we can do to change her mind.

(THERE ISN’T.)

We begin to feel that sense of entitlement, that sense of “wait a minute, we beat Clemson. We beat Alabama. We meet the standard level of decency and we’re interesting and we call our mothers and are good uncles. Certainly, we deserve a spot in the college football playoffs! That has to count for something!”

But alas, gentlemen, it does not. Not in the way we think it does. We have to…(wait for it)…deal with it. Move on. We take it on the chin. If a woman shows interest and ends all communication for whatever reason, we get over it. We shrug it off. We have to. There’s no other option. You’re never going to get the answer you’re looking for anyway.

And when we do reach out in our own sad, pathetic, attempts to feel some sort of solace, we come off as weirdos. We are creeps. We’re sliding into DM’s and posting the most absurd, and asinine comments you can imagine and in doing so, we make things so, so much worse, dear god.

None of us are immune to falling into the category of weirdos or creeps but all of us can address the underlying issue before it happens. If I’m not careful I can turn into a dweeby little “Sad Boi” and in my own way beg the girl “oh, oh, please like me, please like me!”

It ain’t pretty.

So fellows, deal with it. Take the L — and we must dig deep to find whatever solace we can muster to keep moving forward. In the words of Willie Jones (Craig’s dad) from Friday: “You win some. You lose some. But you live — you live to fight another day!”

It’s why breaking down social constructs and assumptions is so important. The only difference between the ideologies and expectations of men vs those of women is that women have an entire movement dedicated to making space for them and amplifying their voice.

Women can counter most, if not all, arguments against them, and when they raise a collective cry, you better believe we’ll hear it. All much needed and well overdue attention is finally being paid to women of all ethnicities…

…But it doesn’t change the fact that as men we still have to deal with our own shit with very little outside support. Life happens to us too. We get depressed. We feel hurt, dejected, shot down. We question why things don’t add up the way they should in a society that tells us certain things matter. And as I’ve stated above, we don’t have an almost exclusive space to generate confidence and affirmation. We don’t have an FCS school to play after a blowout loss to a top-ranked opponent to boost our esteem and get our groove back. Women do.

And hey, not every woman utilizes social media the same way. But it doesn’t change the fact that it exists for them.

So we must stick to our hobbies and passions. Focus on the things that get us up in the morning. We must dig deeper into our lives and our purpose on this planet and enjoy whatever we can about being a guy, whatever that even is anymore. We have to. No, I personally don’t believe that by doing these things “the right woman will come along”, that’s hogwash. But I do believe it will keep us focused and keep our heads on as straight as possible as to not fall off the deep end spiral out into a vortex of insecurity and turn into an…Incel.

With all things considered, we still have to uphold personal accountability.

And by focusing on personal improvement maybe, just maybe, these wins on our schedule of life will add up and count for something that a woman will be mildly impressed by. But it can’t be assumed that these things will guarantee us anything.

Because that’s what we do in society, that’s who we are as men. Regardless if social norms are becoming less of a construct, there are still those that remain. And men “getting over it”, “sucking it up”, and ultimately just dealing with it is here to stay.